Equinox Reckonings & the Big Proper ‘Let Go’
FULL MOON in ARIES // September 2023
Hello you.
Hasn’t this time felt turbulent?
Everyone I know has been going through it a bit. Tough situations and rapid change. Being pushed into making decisions and taking action that will restore equilibrium, quickly.
I’ve recently left a money job. You know, the one that was meant to give a little steady cash to relieve the financial pressure of freelancing so that you can more freely create, but ends up draining you of any energy or internal space to create. I left in a somewhat dramatic way that felt unavoidable at the time, but I’m now questioning that. It was a necessary detoxification of an unhealthy professional relationship. I wouldn’t have been capable of asserting boundaries and worth, in this way, just a year ago.
It was scary to leave, and the financial impact is uncertain… but when I did it, it felt instantly good in my body. I’ve come to learn that’s the best kind of sign.
What thing is draining you of your life force right now?
What feels ‘impossible’ to let go - and what might happen if you did?
…
Sheet from the Autumn Equinox Self Care Journaling Guide I co-created with Elizabeth Bogart
The Art of Letting Go
I’ve been reflecting on the times in my life when I’ve stepped away from the things I’ve been totally attached to and obsessed with (e.g. theatre directing career, living in London) and it’s always taken me somewhere better.
“Why didn’t I change this up earlier?”
(When have you experienced that?)
So now I’ve been thinking about the stuff I’ve been creating over the last 3 years.
(I’m very attached to it.)
I hope that by sharing this, my questioning will make something clearer for you if you’re experiencing a similar kind of creative quandary.
So -
I started drawing obsessively in lockdown 2020, launched the illustration business in March 2021, and three months later found myself cycling up the Pacific Coast, seeding in my mind a graphic novel about bugs and wild fires and cosmic kids who were going to save the day. I got a load of commissions doing logos for healers. I drew in cafe’s, bars, under trees, on trains, in various hosts’ houses. I was creating colouring-in infographics about soil health, gut health, the benefits of cold showers…
I decided to create an Autumn Equinox journaling printable pack with a friend who inspired me with her astrological angle on things. Both of us were (are) buzzed by the moon and the cyclical nature of things, and how tuning into those rhythms can be nourishing, replenishing and empowering.
“I want to help people not be at war with themselves”, is something Elizabeth says that I’ve always loved.
Whilst drawing all these pages - by hand, with a dip pen and ink - I was dog-sitting Sierra (who has David Bowie eyes) and Dougie-the-Chihuahua in San Francisco. Dougie’s tongue hangs out of his mouth when he’s happy, and you can’t leave the room too quickly or he urinates himself. It sounds like I’m ridiculing him, but I became a bit attached to him too.
Sierra & Dougie
The project felt imperative.
(Isn’t that how all passion projects feel?)
It had to get done, and on time. For the Equinox.
Honestly, this flat was the smallest damn place ever and I was clipping pages up to dry on lampshades in between dog walks and collecting the cat’s poo (because the owners got paid to send it off for research, sealed up in freezer bags).
We got it made, published in and made a modest $40 in sales. We donated some of that for tree planting (which felt good).
I created so much stuff on that trip… here was me laying it all out in my sister’s flat. I think this was my ‘final selection’ (a third of what all I had made) and I ended up binning half of it at Seattle airport because I was over weight. That was a painful let-go, but literally had to be done and it felt very good in the body afterwards.
Less. Weight.
Move… quicker…
At Autumn Equinox 2021, I felt like I was on the brink of getting this work all published in a coherent way.
Two years later, I’m still at it.
When posed with the prompt “what are you letting go of? What does your intuition say?” my immediate sense is ‘all this colouring in shit!’
I have invested in an iPad to ‘retrofit’ all of my existing creations - colour them in, show how to use them. I’ve quickly taught myself Procreate (pretty into it).
I fully intended to get the Autumn Equinox re-designed and online in time for 2023. It took me a full week to redesign 20 pages (including 2 full colour). Each page took on average an hour.
“Is this really worth your time?”
“What would you be creating, if you weren’t so head down on this?”
What’s going on?
Option A)
My perfectionist / inner critic / saboteur wanting everything to be perfect and beautiful before I leave this alone and go scale a different artistic mountain. It’s what I’ve been doing for such a long time, that a blank page and open space feels terrifying, and I’m keeping myself in a loop of never-ending work to avoid creating the New Big Thing I’m meant to be working on.
Option B)
This shit just takes time, and there are no shortcuts. It’s the 4444 - you gotta put the work in, be consistent, be diligent. Hard work pays off. Invested time. This is your future, this is passive income, this is not immediately monetised but you moving towards your dream life. Finish it. Completion energy.
Almost there… don’t stop now! Because look - you’ve really made some progress:
So which is it?
I think it’s a bit of both.
The elevation of illustration skills and getting into digital drawing are both in and of themselves excellent results.
It would be nice to get it all tidied up and finished off, but it’s making me feel very weary and there are other bigger fish out there.
So I would like to move through my answers on the ‘Art of Letting Go’ printable sheet (also posted at the top of this article for you to play with too).
The new stuff does not have any space to breathe if my focus if the closet is full.
Letting go of theatre directing totally transformed my life - for the better.
I am called to let go of retrofitting my existing work, my Colouring In Quests projects.
I am expressing gratitude to my totally devoted artist self, by sharing what she did through this article. Celebrating and showcasing the blood-minded determination, remembering the adversity, the joy of doing it. The life it gave me.
Thank you for reading all of this, for that makes it a celebration. I appreciate your attention and I hope it’s given something to you.
I am very interested in what you are afraid to let go of.
Perhaps you don’t feel fear?
I’m giving myself until the next full moon - Samhain - to get this retrofit thing done, and then it’s looking straight ahead… into the dark half, into the unknown, trusting I’ll find it…
I picked up an acorn today, on a walk, and I thought about seeds needing darkness, quiet, space and trust.
Trusting in the forest of oaks that will come. Strong, and noble, and able to endure anything.
We need endurance in these times.
What are you celebrating?
What are you seeding?
Until the next!
xx