‘Wintering’ & A Dark Duality

DARK MOON approaching Solstice // December 2023

What an exceptionally long time it’s been!

How HAVE things been going for you?!

Personally, the last two full moons were so full on I did well to hold onto the mother ship. It’s been a turbulent time since the heat of summer - wonderful, joyful things all rolled up and into catastrophic things… the best and the worst, together, at once. Or in such quick succession it feels like at once.

And this Best-Worst dance seems to be snowballing in a jolly landslide towards Christmas.

Christmas can be a challenging time of year for many people, involving -

High expenditure. Resource scarcity. A cold, wet, harsh environment and not enough cash for adequate heating. Mariah Carey on repeat, everywhere. Not enough money, work, food, love or family. Tearing around the country to visit family and getting indigestion alongside exhaustion. Estrangement. Isolation. ‘Not enoughness’. Disappointment.

Oh dear, that’s a bit heavy isn’t it?

Well, look, it is at the same time -

Belonging. The triumph of spirit over matter. Generosity, good will. Mariah Carey on repeat, everywhere. Get togethers and egg nog. Food and feasting. Films, fires, mince pies. Holiday. Twinkling lights, creativity, rest.

Isn’t duality a peach?

And staring through this turbulence is the dark frosty face of Winter Solstice, bringing a silent comfort and a promise of a hiatus and some stillness. Some peace.

That is where I’d got to writing yesterday, and a bit of a lull thinking, “not sure I’ve got anything else to say?”

And then shortly afterwards I got some news that had a financial impact - a load of work falling through unexpectedly and with immediate effect. That was scary and I got emotional.

“WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!” blub blub.

And then my housemates came to the rescue and we had dinner together and ate good comforting things and watched Everything Everywhere All At Once.

If you haven’t seen this film yet, it is about the battle of duality and the madness of creative will and a meditation on existence. It’s deeply philisophical and profoud whilst being totally ridiculous. All of our choices lead us through infinite branches of realities and possibilities, and if things are really shit and you’re at your worst then that’s actually the best - because it can only be better. When you are at your worst you have the most potential.

The Universe of Hot Dog Fingers

I remember that this personal crisis of mine is not a war and I’m not getting bombed and I have the luxury of eating mince pies with loving, empathetic friends.

War.

I haven’t been engaging in the news and the war in the Middle East. Which is an escape, a diversion. I’ve ducked away from the details of that external brutality and questioned myself on the inner-violence situation (“if it’s out there it must be in me too?) … where is the self-hate? The control and forcing impulses? How are they showing up?

The same dark patterns and dynamics, swirling around and showing up again.

“Oh, this thing again, but a bit harder, a bit deeper. Happening even though it’s more aware of itself.”

‘Here I am in a financial pickle again.’

‘There is that group of people bombing that group of people again.’

‘Here is that story in my life, that moment from my past, re-emerging again…’

But it’s never the same… and the problem with past trauma is that we have a wound and a stress about it and we can misperceive or interpret the current situation by thinking it’s the same as what happened before and so it’s going to go in the same direction, with the same result and the same ending.

We don’t actually know what is going to happen next.

I’ve got no idea where the money is coming from, next, for me - but I’m going to do my best to create more opportunities and hold faith that something good is going to happen.

I had a coaching call this morning and Polly helped me remember that all the crisis I’ve been through have taken me to a better place.

How bad does it need to get in the Middle East before a different kind of discussion is possible?

How terrible can a government get before a revolution is inevitable?

I’m throwing out questions here and poking around for links and I’m conscious of diminishing the magnitude of what is happening in the world with poorly thought out blurts, and perhaps there is no point saying anything or writing this - but I’m sharing this with you because however shit and cold and dark it feels at times, however misjudged my words might be… I feel it’s worth exposing my ignorance in the name of connection.

In order to make things better we have to hold faith that things can be better.

We can’t change something until we’re aware of it.

I’m tired and my heart is sore, but it’s still all worth it. I’m still here for it.

Thanks for being here too.

Where do we go from here?